December 31, 2010

Hope*

Everybody out there who has TTC for a significant amount of time knows that living your life month to month is just the nature of the beast.

Every month, we count the days, stress over the two week wait, crucially analyze every single detail and symptom that our body throws our way, and keep those fingers crossed when your last cycle day approaches, we hope that we were right and our dear monthly friend doesn't show up.

My body for the most part has been like clockwork. I had some rough times after my miscarriage, and it took me a good year before I was back on any sort of "normal" schedule. AF didn't show up for three and a half months after the miscarriage, and when it did it landed me in the ER. Every month after that was a good guess as to when she would show up. Sometimes it was two weeks later. Others it wasn't for a good six weeks.

But for the past year, it's been back to it's regular clock-like schedule. And like usual, I've been analyzing every. single. symptom that comes my way.

Except this month, it's been more or less lack of symptoms.

Around CD 14 or 15 EVERY SINGLE MONTH, my ta ta's get sore. They swell up like balloons, and for the following two weeks are extremely sore and irritating. It sucks, but it's also my most reliant indicator that I am indeed not pregnant.

That soreness is also typically followed by general irritation with people and life in general. The moodiness is unreal. It's gotten better since I started on Prozac a couple of months ago, but it's still there. I'm telling you, I am a walking and talking text book case study on PMS symptoms every month.

But here I am -- CD 21 -- and .... well .... nothing.

No soreness. No irritation. No moodiness. Eight/nine days away from what should be CD1 showing up, and NOTHING.

Which of course, is just making my mind RACE.

I mentioned that last week I had my HSG test done, which happened on CD 12. Since it was my first time doing the test, I really don't know what to expect. Does it screw up your system? Does it throw things for a loop and mess with your hormones? I don't know!

But it wouldn't it be something if I WAS pregnant?

This is exactly the line of thinking that gets me in trouble every month. Every month I think about what might be, and am always disappointed when it doesn't actually happen. But this month, different things are leading me down that same road. So because it's the one time that it's different all around .... could it be?

I'm trying SO HARD to not think about it. Not stress about it. Not even give myself the shiny glimmer of hope that it could be true. Because I hate having my heart broken every 30 days.

But damn .... what it?

1 comment:

Lovin Ma Soldier said...

The 2ww is torture :( hoping for you <3