July 8, 2011

Five Weeks & Slightly Crazy*

Today I am five weeks pregnant.

It still seems to sureal to me that just a week and a half ago, we found out that I was *finally* knocked up.

I still haven't told a ton of people, in fact only two members of my own family even know at this point, because having miscarried before I can't seem to get past the fear that something might happen again. Slowly but surely, day by day, I am trying to overcome this. But until I likely get into my third trimester, I'm not particularly feeling like I'll be all that confident.

See, just a couple of days ago, I would have thrown in a if that actually happens into that sentance. Miscarriage really has a way of fucking you up in the head.

Because of this, I'm having a hard time talking about it in detail. With anybody. It is still SO early in the process, and I have such a long ways to go in this journey. 35 weeks, to be exact, and that's a long ass amount of time. And so many of my friends who do know about this pregnancy are STILL dealing with infertilify. I don't want them to feel, AT ALL, like I still don't think the infertility process is a giant pain in the ass. But I also threw myself comletely into my first pregnancy, and after the miscarriage, the results were not pretty. I do NOT want to do down that road again. I'm not sure what little sanity I have left would survive.

I got lucky because of medical intervention. But my journey down this road hasn't been nearly as long or painful as some of the other women I know. And I don't want to make them feel at all like I suddenly don't remember how shitty it is to hear about a pregnancy, from an fellow infertile or not. Because even though I was always so happy for any of my fellow infertiles out there when they got their BFP, there was still a small part of me that thought "damn ... that stings. Why not me?" Yes, we are excited. But the husband and I are also cautious and nervous. I can't shake that feeling no matter how hard I try. I still glare at other pregnant women. I still laugh at how easy some people think getting pregnant is. I still scoul at the advice that has already been given to me in these early days and the "everything will be perfect" words of wisdom that I know to not be true.

My friends that do know, though, have been amazing. I have such a wonderful support group and without them, I never would have gotten through the last three and a half years of our lives. And it's so important to me that I don't ever become one of "those" pregant women; smug and carefree because nothing can ever happen. I truly love them like family.

One day at a time. That's all I can really do. My first ultrasound is the 28th, in a little less than three weeks. I'm excited to get to see the baby, and see/hear the heartbeat. I never got that last time, but I also fear that if something does go wrong it will just mean I was that much more emotionally invested in this.

Pregnancy should be a time of HAPPINESS and JOY. It should not be a time of worry. Somebody out there please tell me that I am not crazy, that feeling this way is slightly normal.



traci said...

I am so glad for you that you and your husband that you have achieved pregnancy. All you have is today make it your best day. When I feel discouraged or scared I try fight the temptation to give in to that. I don't know what is around the corner for me it might be great things. I pray for the strength to deal with the difficult things that I might find on my path. Easier sad that done... Blessings to you, your husband and that precious baby inside you trying so hard to thrive and grow :)

Jessa said...

I miscarried twice before Caleb and it was always at the back of mind with both of my pregnancies that it could/would happen again. Thinking about you everyday.

MrsV said...

Hi there, new follower here :) I just found your blog this week; and I am five weeks pregnant on Sunday (my ulrasound is on the 27th) Congratulations on your BFP! I also suffered a miscarriage and am feeling very similar fears and feelings that you've described in this post... So I really hope your not crazy because that just might mean I am too ;)

Wife of a Sailor said...

We haven't tried to have kids yet, but I'd still be worried even without the history of miscarriage! You aren't crazy!

But I am sending you "stay in there and bake, baby!" vibes!

Wife of a Sailor said...

We haven't tried to have kids yet, but I'd still be worried even without the history of miscarriage! You aren't crazy!

But I am sending you "stay in there and bake, baby!" vibes!

Tsoniki Crazy Bull said...

YAY A BABY!!!!!!!

I stand firmly on the side of those who tell everyone about being pregnant - because God forbid there is a miscarriage, I need that support to hold me up (I didn't read your post you linked to so sorry I don't know what happened as I type this comment, so sorry for that in advance). I miscarried a couple of weeks ago and one of my close friends said she never tells people until past the first trimester, which I totally understand works for people. In this case I told people days after I peed on a stick (and I only waited until I got cute decals to make shirts for my other kids).

I am sending you lots of baby dust and whatever else you need!!! You will remain at the top of my prayer list.

Brittany said...

First off, Tess, let me just say that I'm sorry for your loss. Miscarriage is hard no matter what and I'm sorry that you had to go through that.

I think announcing a pregnancy is a personal decision. I shouted it from the rooftops the first time, and then 10 weeks later I had to go back and tell everybody that I had miscarried. I know that a support group is important, but a lot of people don't know how to handle the bad news, and it was much more damaging that anything good when the support I wanted WASN'T there.

This time I around, I have been very selective about who I tell. Obviously, I've announced it to my online "friends" because I know that they will be there should anything happen, because so many of them have gone through it.

In real life, however, I have been much more selective. Those that do know are people that are nearest and dearest to my heart. People that I know would drop everything for me and help us if we needed it. Not even my entire family knows yet, and I'm leaving it at that until I'm comfortable spreading the news to more people.

Anonymous said...

First, let me say that I have not had a miscarriage, so I honestly cannot say that I know what it feels like. But, I have been pregnant... and that fear... i had it every single day of my pregnancy. I am prone to anxiety though, so maybe it will be different for you. The fear of a miscarriage or other complication was very real for me. I was always relieved when the docs said everything was fine, but it only lasted so long. Being pregnant is a wonderful yet very scary thing.

We told everyone right away and didnt even think about the - what if? But in the end, I think I am one of those people that would need people to know to lift me back up if something had happened.

So, through my rambling Im trying to say... its normal to be worried / paranoid. Miscarriage or not. Im hoping everything goes wonderfully smooth for the two of you. Im keeping you in my thoughts every day. You guys deserve this.

I <3 you lady. Here's to the next mini Red Wings fan ;-)