Today I am five weeks pregnant.
It still seems to sureal to me that just a week and a half ago, we found out that I was *finally* knocked up.
I still haven't told a ton of people, in fact only two members of my own family even know at this point, because having miscarried before I can't seem to get past the fear that something might happen again. Slowly but surely, day by day, I am trying to overcome this. But until I likely get into my third trimester, I'm not particularly feeling like I'll be all that confident.
See, just a couple of days ago, I would have thrown in a if that actually happens into that sentance. Miscarriage really has a way of fucking you up in the head.
Because of this, I'm having a hard time talking about it in detail. With anybody. It is still SO early in the process, and I have such a long ways to go in this journey. 35 weeks, to be exact, and that's a long ass amount of time. And so many of my friends who do know about this pregnancy are STILL dealing with infertilify. I don't want them to feel, AT ALL, like I still don't think the infertility process is a giant pain in the ass. But I also threw myself comletely into my first pregnancy, and after the miscarriage, the results were not pretty. I do NOT want to do down that road again. I'm not sure what little sanity I have left would survive.
I got lucky because of medical intervention. But my journey down this road hasn't been nearly as long or painful as some of the other women I know. And I don't want to make them feel at all like I suddenly don't remember how shitty it is to hear about a pregnancy, from an fellow infertile or not. Because even though I was always so happy for any of my fellow infertiles out there when they got their BFP, there was still a small part of me that thought "damn ... that stings. Why not me?" Yes, we are excited. But the husband and I are also cautious and nervous. I can't shake that feeling no matter how hard I try. I still glare at other pregnant women. I still laugh at how easy some people think getting pregnant is. I still scoul at the advice that has already been given to me in these early days and the "everything will be perfect" words of wisdom that I know to not be true.
My friends that do know, though, have been amazing. I have such a wonderful support group and without them, I never would have gotten through the last three and a half years of our lives. And it's so important to me that I don't ever become one of "those" pregant women; smug and carefree because nothing can ever happen. I truly love them like family.
One day at a time. That's all I can really do. My first ultrasound is the 28th, in a little less than three weeks. I'm excited to get to see the baby, and see/hear the heartbeat. I never got that last time, but I also fear that if something does go wrong it will just mean I was that much more emotionally invested in this.
Pregnancy should be a time of HAPPINESS and JOY. It should not be a time of worry. Somebody out there please tell me that I am not crazy, that feeling this way is slightly normal.