I debated writing this post for a lot of reasons, & I am still having this discussion internally as I write now. So bear with me as I fumble through this. I realize that the things I might say aren't standard for what *should* be said from a pregnant woman, but alas, it is what it is.
But I sort of feel like the way I'm feeling isn't normal, because nobody really talks about it. But there is no way that I'm the only one out there that feels this way. I can't totally be alone, right?
The past couple of weeks, i have felt that I am floundering just a tad during this pregnancy. As it stands, I am six and a half months along. While the end is in sight, I am feeling sort of lost & hopeless. Like I am in this rut, where I should be happy but realistically am NOT and I can't seem to dig myself out of it. I know that some of this may come with my history of depression. I made the choice to stop taking my prozac when I found out I was pregnant, and I don't regret that for a second. But I would be lying if I said I didn't miss it, and that I wasn't counting down the days until I could start taking it.
But aside from that, I'm just feeling lost. And scared. And slightly confused. Pregnancy is a big deal. I know this. When I think about the “what if’s” of that, then it spirals me into all these other thoughts … will I be a good mom? Will I love my baby? Am I as emotionally attached to this pregnancy as I should be? Is there something wrong with me because I don’t particularly enjoy being pregnant? (ok, I’m not going to lie. I pretty much hate it.) Am I resenting this kid already for making me feel so crummy and will that translate after birth?? Is it weird that I don’t talk to my belly or read it stories or play it music like so many other people do? Or am I normal for not doing these things? Normal for just accepting that I'm not pregnant and not relishing in it the way so many other women announce to the world that they are. The list goes on and on and on and on …. Just question after question that keeps popping up in my head. I know they are stupid, and I know that I am probably very normal in feeling a lot of the ways that I am feeling, but I just don’t REALLY know and maybe I’m just hoping I’m normal. I hate asking other people about it because the people closest to me all LOVED being pregnant. And it was so great and wonderful for them that it almost makes me feel bad/guilty for having any negative thoughts at all.
So I don’t know.
But the other part of me realizes that plain and simple, I don’t have time to enjoy it the way most of the people in my life do. I work full time. I am not a stay at home wife. When I get home from work it’s time to feed the dogs, and make dinner, and take the dogs for a walk, and get some laundry or cleaning done. And then I'm so exhausted by the time everything is over and done with, that I have to go to sleep. Obviously not every night is like this, and I wouldn't trade it for anything because I LIKE working, but there are things I have to do because I am not home during the day to get all this crap done.
Please don't get me wrong. I am not at all ungrateful for what we have. I know how lucky I am that our first IUI was a success. I know that so many other women out there have struggled through so much more for a pregnancy. I know that what we have is special and wonderful. I love feeling the movement, and there is something so amazing with the fact that yes, I am growing HUMAN BEING inside me. And the way that this has changed my relationship with my husband is amazing all on his own. The love that is between us right now is so unlike anything that we’ve had before, and in a very, very good way. I see him as a totally different person. One who is strong and amazing and will be the best father I have ever known. But pregnancy is also intensely scary & it freaks me out on so many different levels. And that fear has definitely taken over lately.
I know I can’t be alone in feeling the way that I do and I really wish that more women would be honest about how hard this shit is. Somewhere along the line it became too taboo to say that the miracle of life makes you miserable. If you talk about how miserable you are, it makes you ungrateful for what you have. At least that’s the perception. And I can definitely understand that, because being part of the infertility community, there was a time where I would see someone bitching and say to myself “lady, you’re pregnant. And I’m not. So deal with it.” But now that I’m on the other side, I’ll be the first to reaffirm to someone else that they aren’t the only one that feels this way.
But there aren’t that many out there that are brave enough to voice that opinion. And I hate “mommy” blogs, that are all “look at my KID! ISN’T IT THE CUTEST THING EVER?????” I want to be somewhere in the middle … yup. I’m pregnant. Yup. My kid is cute. But hello, I also have a life and am still a person!! There seems to be this idea that you cannot be both. That there is no middle ground. Either you are 110% about your kid all the time, or you’re a crap parent because you’re not plastering photos over facebook.
I know [at least I hope] that the closer I get to my due date, this feeling of loneliness and hopelessness will go away. That at some point I will enjoy this more than I am now. That I will accept that I have nothing to worry about and will figure it out just like millions of other women before me have done. But for now, I just don't really know how to deal with all of this.
Please, somebody, tell me that this worry is normal and that I'm not the only one!