Last night, my husband and I were laying on the bed, chatting and catching up on our day, when he leaned over and told me he missed me.
Not because we've spent time apart. Or because one person has been traveling while the other has been home. Or because our work schedules have been so crazy that we just haven't had time to spend with each other. None of that is the case.
He missed me because right now I am a sad, broken wife. And it broke my heart.
It was the first time that he has opened up to me about how what I have been going through with this pregnancy has affected him. This funk/depression/overall sadness that has overtaken me has creeped into my marriage as well. Something I didn't realize until he laid it all out for me. He wasn't criticizing or complaining. And I don't think it was a conversation that he necessarily meant to have. But he didn't expect pregnancy to be so hard on me, and in turn, hard on him.
He has, through all of this, been completely amazing. Since the day we found out we were finally expecting, he has bent over backwards to take care of me, help me & pamper me when I need it most. He has been extremely tolerant of my mood swings and has been excited for the two of us about the new addition to our family when I have been less than enthusiastic. He has been supportive and wonderful and never once complained to me about the lack of dinners cooked or laundry done because I'm just too tired to handle it at the end of the day. He is a model husband. One that I am eternally grateful for and love on a whole new level. And while he assures me that it's OK, that he understands, and that I need to keep doing whatever I need to do, I don't agree.
For me, it's not OK. And I feel like I have neglected him on so many levels. This needs to change! I need to change. I need to figure out what the solution is to get out of this funk and move on. Enjoy these last 12 weeks of pregnancy. Spend the time with my husband that I need to spend with him before the baby comes. Overall, be a little more enthusiastic about life and a little less Debbie Downer. I don't know what the answer is, and I don't know how to fix it right away, but something will change. It has to!
So today, even if I have to fake my way through it, I need to find the motivation and plain and simple, BUCK UP. Get it together! Be the person that I really want to be and that my husband needs me to be right now! Our lives are about to change in a huge, dramatic way. And I don't want to go into this with one person in this marriage feeling like they've lost a little part of the other. That's not at all how it's supposed to be.
So. This is me. Turning over a new leaf. Kicking Debbie Downer to the door and finding my old, happy self.