February 8, 2012

Four Weeks Left*

With only four-ish weeks left until my due date, my mind has been racing in a million different directions. Lots of fear. Excitement. Worry. Anxiety. LOTS of anxiety. It's crazy that after all this time, we're finally at the end. There are times where I never thought I would make it here, that getting to this point was impossible, but at the same time it feels like it has flown by and I'm not quite ready for it to be over.

But then again, I am. I'm ready for the next chapter, ready to meet the baby that's been hibernating inside me for almost nine months. We have really taken the past couple of weeks to finalize any preparations needed before the kiddo arrives. The nursery is almost finished. The car-seat is installed. The hospital bags are [almost] packed. As exciting as it all is, it's a little overwhelming as well.

For whatever reason, I can't seem to shake the worry & the anxiety. It feels like it's overshadowing the excitement that we should [and are] feeling. But I can't help it. So many random thoughts keep popping into my head. Did we make the right choice by choosing not to have any prenatal testing done? Is my baby healthy? [Not that it matters, we would love it anyways!] What if something happens to me during labor? To the baby? Are we REALLY ready for this? Do we have everything? How many ways can we fuck this up along the way?

It's crazy that just over five years ago we started this journey, and now it's coming to what will hopefully be a happy ending. I don't know if more kids are in the cards for us, or if this will be the only one we decide to have. The issue has come up and while we are leaning towards this being our only one, I think that realization makes these fears all the more real. This is it. This our shot. Let's hope to whoever it up there in the great big sky that we did it right.

So now we just wait. Our Savanna trip was our last big outing for the two of us. Aside from M having to go to the field for a couple of days (uh, two weeks before my due date. Not SUPER thrilled about that, but what can an Army Wife do?) we have nothing planned. Nothing but sitting around and waiting. Relaxing. Getting as much sleep as we can. Things are starting to wind down for me here at work, with the realization that I will be out for three months. While I still have four weeks before my due date, we are trying to plan as much as possible before I take off. We're are a small company [about 12 people] so my absence will be noticed. But all in all, I think we're as ready, physically, as we can be.

But all that sitting around and waiting I think is what is making the anxiety worse. With nothing else to do but minor projects, I can't help but go back to all those thoughts. Call me crazy, but hopefully this is totally normal.

So now all we need is the baby. And all we can do it wait. Which, in it's own respect is getting harder and harder [and more uncomfortable!]. Four weeks & counting!

1 comment:

Stevie said...

*Hugs*, Mama. It is an overwhelming thing, that would produce anxiety in ANYONE. I don't want to give you advice or anything, because each person's experience is so unique. Throw in those postpartum hormones going nuts, and it's a crazy, blurry time. I will say the first few weeks are overwhelming, in both the best and worst ways. You are just surviving, taking care of this amazing little being who becomes your whole world those first few weeks. Later on, when I got the hang of breastfeeding, when I recovered from my birth experience, when I stopped crying because Dan was upstairs and I was downstairs (lol), I started to feel more like me. I felt like I could go to the store without Rubes for 20 minutes, and it was a huge triumph to do so. Those were the tougher moments. The awesome ones are sleeping with your babe on your chest because you're both so exhausted. Staring at your babe as they sleep because you can't help but do it they are so damn beautiful. Watching them grow, coo, interact.

It is the most exhausting, amazing, wonderful, challenging thing ever. And if you're feeling overwhelmed or anxious, just know it goes fast. EVERYTHING. It will pass. I know that sounds stupid right now, but reminding myself of that when shit gets hard keeps me sane some days.

Excited for you, pretty lady. It's a trip!