December 4, 2012


I'm feeling a little lost these days.

Like I don't quite have all my shit together.

In the past, I have prided myself on being organized, although slightly messy at times. Right now I am just a total disaster, inside and out. My house is a fucking mess. Laundry happens when I run out of clean underwear & showers are few & far between. Lucas being on the move, as awesome as it is, creates a whole new set of obstacles. I can't just plop him down somewhere while I get something done. The only reason the living room is in decent shape is because that's where he spends all his time while we are home, so it HAS to be baby friendly. But dear god ... if you come over, do NOT open the doors.

It will not be pretty. You might actually get lost.

I know that this is all a good sign of me being a good mom (at least I hope it is) that my priorities are with Lucas & not focused on other things, but being a good mom & a good wife & a good employee is hard. I really don't know where the balance is, or how to even TRY to find it. Something is always suffering. And that, my friends, is frustrating. My husbands job does not help. He is out the door at 5am every morning, so EVERY MORNING I am on my own trying to get up, get showered, get ready for work, get the baby ready for the day and make it to my job in one piece. Every day something gets forgotten, or time just runs out. And lord help me if Lucas decides that 5:30 is the time that he wants to be up for the day. Showers? Apparently a thing of the past.

Then there is baby number two. Do we? Don't we? I don't feel I am at all ready to go down that road again. I know that we had things pretty easy the last time around as far as our infertility treatments were concerned, with our first IUI being successful, but there was a lot of heartbreak to get to that point. There are so many "what if's" that come into play on top of that. Yes, I know that it may not come to that the second time around. That I may get pregnant on my own. But then I would sort of feel like a traitor to a community that is so awesome & supportive. But what if it does come to that again? Emotionally, I am not sure I can handle the ins & outs of trying & not succeeding every month. Going in for another IUI is an option for us right away (without the disappointing baby dance every month) but do we want to go THAT route without trying on our own first?

Can we even handle a second child? Right now, M gets home from work around 7pm every night. Lucas goes down at 7:30. So from the time that kid wakes up in the mornings until, basically, he goes to bed at night, I am solo. The Army has made me a hypothetical single mother (more or less). Except I'm a "single mom" who works full time and has to find that balancing act that I don't really seem to be finding. M is completely helpful when he is home, and I know that the situation can ALWAYS be worse. But on top of that, M has gotten pretty serious about submitting his Warrant Officer packet, which means that should be be accepted (finally) in the first half of next year, then we are facing 11 months of him being gone. Financially, it  makes more sense for me to stay put, keep working & get the house ready for a possible PCS. If he DOESN'T get accepted, then we are facing a deployment the second half of next year.

Can I do that pregnant? Or with a second child? While working full time? I don't know.

As it stands, I really don't know what I want. I know that M truly wants a second child and I know that if I said no, one is enough, he would go with it because he loves me. I know that we would be happy as a one child household. Lucas is AMAZING and truly the light of our lives. That kid brings both of us so much joy & happiness. But I also can't see myself taking any time away from him right now. I am not sure if I am ready for that yet. And then again, I'll be 32 in just a matter of a few weeks (eeek.) so time is kind of ticking.

I just don't know. Right now, nothing is pointing me one direction or another. I don't know what I want, and I hate keeping M waiting on me to figure it out.

All I know is that right now, my life is a huge clusterfuck of clusterfuckery. And I have NO CLUE which direction to turn. Not having my shit together? Beyond frustrating.

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