January 17, 2013

Working Out & Mommy Guilt*

I mentioned previously that one of my goals for this year is to get in shape. Like, REALLY in shape. I have a goal weight in mind that I would ideally like to reach by the end of the year. It's that big of a goal that it WILL take me that long to do it the healthy and smart way. But I'm prepared for that. I'm not looking for an easy fix -- I'm looking for a lifestyle change. In fact, to get back to the lifestyle I used to live, before the days of desk jobs & overtime, when fast, not that healthy meals were easiest & my days of playing soccer five days a week were over.

So I got a gym membership. Because I know me, and I know that going home to workout is not an option. Well, it is, but there are too many distractions. I am up every morning at 5:30, out the door at 6:30, work a full day and then it's off to pick up the kiddo, come home, feed him, make dinner, take care of any items on the long list of things to do that constantly plaque me (laundry, cleaning, bills, etc), try to spend SOME quality time with my husband, bath time, bedtime ... and then like that, a snap of the fingers, it's 9:00 and I'm exhausted. Working out? Yeah right.

So I know this. I know that for me, going home means sweats, the couch & a glass of wine when I have two seconds to take for myself. Working out does not happen.

Prior to getting my gym membership, I had a long talk with both the husband and our day care provider. I told both of them that this was something I needed to do for myself. I needed to get healthy & back in shape. I WANTED to do this not only for myself, but to be a better wife and a better mother to my child. The unhappiness that I feel looking at myself day in and day out, in this condition, well ... SUCKS. I hate it. I hate feeling this way. I want to make a change. Unfortunately, that change requires some help. With M being in the Army, his schedule is pretty much fixed. His days are even longer than mine which means that 99.9% of the time, I have to pick up Lucas from daycare. Which is FINE, but I need to go to the gym more than twice a week on the weekends. Which also means I need a little help from him.

So one day a week (Friday), he will be leaving work at a normal time, and picking up Lucas for me.

The other two days during the week (Tuesday & Thursday), our sitter has agreed to keep him a little longer than normal so that when I get off work at 4:30, I can go straight to the gym, which is only 10 minutes from my office (as opposed to the hour it would take me to go pick him up, then head back to the gym).

This means less time with Lucas during the week. Something that I have already struggled with as a full time working mom. The Mommy Guilt that comes with missing ANY milestone your kid reaches, or just the simple day to day stuff (because seriously, this kid grows way too quick) is tough. But it's why I cherish every snuggle that I can get from him. It's why, even though I am exhausted constantly, I don't care that he's not sleeping through the night because I love those 3am moments that we get together. It's why I am going to bust my ass to get fit so that I can be the best possible mom to him in years to come.

Our normal day care sitter had to take off for a family emergency this week, which means Lucas has been spending a couple of days with another friend while I've been at work. I missed Tuesday's workout because Lucas was running a pretty high fever & didn't want to take him to the gym with me (they have free child care if I ever need it). My friend offered to keep him late tonight so that I could go, but I instantly said no because she was already doing me a huge favor by keeping him for me last minute.

Then she sent me this article, and told me it was no big deal, and that she was completely fine keeping him an extra hour and a half or so. She is a fairly new mom as well, and we have had conversations in the past about wanting to lose the weight and get healthy again. She understands where I am coming from, and after reading that article, I gladly obliged.

And I'm not going to lie -- I am looking forward to getting back there tonight and getting a good workout in. The mommy guilt, I think, will be around for a while. But I know that I am doing the right thing for me & my family. I'm especially looking forward to sharing my progress here, which I hope to do!

1 comment:

wifeofasailor.com said...

I'm sure it's hard. ((hugs))

But you are doing the best thing you can for L. You are giving him YOU longer. And a healthier you. And one who has better self-esteem and can teach him the value of taking care of himself.

((hugs)) again!