February 6, 2013

The Follow Up (a.k.a. YOU GUYS ROCK!)

First off, I want to say a big THANK YOU to all the support from my post the other day. I received so many comments, twitter message, emails and text messages from real-life friends that it was slightly overwhelming. Although definitely reassuring.

It truly means a lot that y'all care so much. I really, really do appreciate it!

I do want to clarify that I hope the stay-at-home-mom types out there did not take any offense to what I wrote. I fully realize that staying at home with your child (or children) brings on a COMPLETELY different set of issues in a marriage than those of us who work outside the home. My experiences and my frustrations are from my perspective only, as are your experiences yours and yours alone. I think it's impossible to not wonder what it's like on the other side, or how somebody else experiences things. So if I offended somebody, I truly am sorry.

With that said, it is amazing how many of you feel the exact same way that I have been feeling lately. I promise that things are not ALL BAD in my marriage. Obviously, if they were, than I would not be here. I am committed to my husband I know, deep in my heart, that things will work out the way that they are meant to. It's just going to take some work on his part, and mine, to find a balance that works for us. But I love him, and he loves me, and we will do what it takes to get back on track. I know this. But it definitely makes me fell less alone in this whole journey. So thank you to all of you who shared your struggles! This shit is difficult!

I am sure that there are others out there who have talked about this issue before. The problem is that I don't know where they are. I am 32 years old, making me 31 when I gave birth to Lucas last year. In terms of having your first child in the military community, this makes me somewhat ARCHAIC. I mean, truly old in the grand sense of things. I do not know many women this age who are popping out kids for the first time. They may be STILL having children, but a good majority of the women I know my own age (or close to) are on their second, third, fourth (sometimes fifth & sixth!) children. When they were having their first kids, I was not even remotely close to thinking about having children. So their experiences, even if they were the same as mine are now, were not something that was discussed. I even know women in my circle who have teenagers. TEENAGERS. So when I feel like I am drowning, while I completely appreciate any support that is thrown my way, it's different.

I stand by my statement that this shit is hard, but sometimes I just want somebody to say YES. THIS. THIS IS WHAT WE ARE DEALING WITH TOO. It's nice to hear that things get better, but it's also hard to take seriously (sometimes!) when you are in the middle of the ocean, treading water for hours on end with no boat in sight to give you relief. Sometimes I want a swimmer to join me, so we can get through it together.

We weren't lucky enough to *enjoy* the baby-makings. The road was long and hard for us, and while others were excited because it was easy for them, I was surrounding myself with others who were struggling as well. It's no understatement that infertility is hard on a couple, and there were many tears during our journey. Before that? We were focused on back to back deployments to Iraq (one that lasted 15 months while the second lasted 12 months) and surviving THOSE as a couple. During that time, I found a new group of people who were there to help & offer support. Before THAT? We were brand spanking new to each other. We have weathered a lot as partners. We will weather this.

Our relationship has had plenty of ups and downs, and through ALL OF THOSE, I have always found what one friend said to me yesterday, was "truth and honesty in a sea of bullshit." A beacon that led me to the individuals that I needed to help me through. Each step in the road has led to some AMAZING women who have become true gems in my life, all with different purposes. Being a working, infertile, 30-something, new mom, military spouse is, uh, kind of a small niche. I don't expect to find 100 people who fit this bill, but hopefully I can find a few. And if I can speak out for what others are feeling so they feel less alone, whether they fit one or all of those descriptors? I will do that, too.

So thank you. Thanks for the love. Thanks for the support. And here is to happier times!


Conni Dahl Smith said...

Hello! I found you via the blog hop. Lucas is just adorable! :)

Anonymous said...

((hugs)) again