April 2, 2013

IUI Number Two & What to Do*

IUI #2. It's on the table.

We decided long ago that when Lucas turned one, we would have the conversation of do we or don't we. We have gone back and forth so many times of whether or not to have a second. We are happy with the one, amazing blessing we have, but at the same time, expanding our family one more time seems like the right thing to do. With the impending move, neither of us wants to continue treatment at a new facility, with a new doctor. With me being 32 and my husband about to turn 34, the age factor also comes into play here.  The age gap where I am comfortable having another baby is closing, for me and for my husband, and with said move, comes additional time for finding a new clinic, repeating tests, starting over ... it's too much, too long.

But we have a limited amount of time. Three chances, at the most, before we leave. Likely only two, depending on what happens in July and when we decide to pack up and head farther South. June is out because of a school my husband will be at the entire month, unless we decide to freeze. That leave April and May as definite chances (for now). We were extremely lucky with our only IUI working last time, but the reality is it may not work that way the second time. Despite optimism from others, I'm going into this level headed, knowing what I know, that it may not be like this again.

And if it doesn't work? We have accepted that it just wasn't meant to be. A one child family. We are OK with this.

I've also been fighting some personal demons that I have been working very hard to overcome. This decision does not come lightly for me & my family.

But it is what it is, and while nothing has been decided yet (although we are nearing having to make that decision for the month of April) we are ready to go should we decide to pull the trigger. Meds have been picked up. Clinic on standby.

As exciting as this decision comes for me & my little family, it also comes with some worry. I worry about depression. I worry about the physical pain that I endured while pregnant with Lucas. I worry about coming so far while also slipping. I've voiced my concerns to my husband, and told him of my fears, and knowing what we know now, maybe all of this won't be the case this time around.

But more than anything, I worry about this community. Telling you all this does not come lightly, but with a heavy heart. Many that I know, close or not, are still dealing heavily with infertility. My intention is NEVER to hurt anyone, but I know this news does just that to some. What if I DO end up pregnant again (which is ultimately the goal)? What if this IUI is as easy for us this time around as it was last time? Telling those that I would need to tell -- it would break my heart. And more importantly, likely theirs. I know this. I don't want to hurt my friends. I don't want to hurt any of you. I know that the ones closest to us would be happy if we were to be blessed with a second pregnancy, but I would not blame any of them should they need to step away from our life, from me, for a while. Or unfollow me. Or block me on Facebook. Or just in general, say adios.

This is what is weighing heaviest on my mind, and in all honesty, weighs in my decision of whether or not to do this in April. I will be cycling with some of my closest friends. Delivering the news, if we are lucky enough to have news to share, would not come with ease if things did not go absolutely perfectly and we all got pregnant (which is the way it should happen, damnit!), and there will likely be tears. I know there are some that say infertility is a battle, no matter where you are in the process. That pain is pain. But I also know that when you already have one, such as we do, it's so very different than it is for the individuals still fighting for one of their own. Infertility is a bitch, and it still effects me every. single. day. Even when we weren't trying. But it's different. This I know.

I love this community. And I love my friends. Plain and simple, I don't want to be the cause of any more pain to any of them.  Maybe, just this once, the universe will be kind to those I love and all this worry will be for nothing. Let's do that, mmkay, universe? Thanks.

1 comment:

Audrey said...

I support you no matter what you choose!