I will admit, there was a part of me that thought staying home would be easy. Well, not necessarily easy, but not this. I know that I'm still in the adjustment period -- it's only been about a month and a half since I left my job -- but I keep waiting for it to get better.
I feel lost. Like my only purpose is to be pregnant, entertain a toddler & keep the house clean. I know this isn't true, and today is just an exceptionally bad day. But when it comes down to it, I feel useless.
Being pushed out of my job the way that I was has taken it's toll & I will admit that there remains some level of bitterness for the way things went down. I want to work. I enjoy working. I SHOULD still have a job, and it's been difficult adjusting to a different sort of productivity during the day. What can I say -- laundry & diapers don't really do it for me ;) While at the same time, the things that I WANT to do for myself while being home, there seems to be little time for in between staying afloat and taking care of an eighteen month old. I wonder, daily, if I will ever figure this out and be totally happy with the turn my life has taken.
How do I balance everything? I feel like at this moment in my life -- staring down my third trimester, preparing for a second child while trying to spend time with my current child -- taking care of MYSELF is equally important. Doing things for ME needs to happen. Let's face it. My life is about to become a million times more complicated, and if I can't find time for ME now, then I'm going to have even more troubles in the coming months. I am enjoying being home with the kid and spending this time with him before #2 comes along, but it's definitely not without it's own set of challenges, and some days I just don't know how to tackle those. I get frustrated, and then I get mad at myself for being frustrated. Then I get sad because I'm lonely & I miss human interaction aside from my husband and a toddler. I've been a career gal for so long that all of my friends are also in that category. At the same time, finding stay at home moms who I even anything remotely close to similarities is tough. I'm picky when it it comes to people in my life, and I don't let people in easily. This is a downfall to living this lifestyle.
I feel like I am sounding so ungrateful. As always, that is not the case. I know many would kill for this opportunity, to stay home with their kiddos. But being Susie Q. Homemaker was never a dream of mine and I just can't seem to get past the fact that this is the way things are going to be for a while. I know that sounds selfish, and I promise that I am trying my best to make the best of this situation. Like I said before, today is just an exceptionally bad day. I can blame the hormones, right? Either way, I need to find a way to make this work. I know there will still be bad days (and I promise, they aren't ALL bad days) and there will be plenty of good days in there as well. I just need ... something. And I don't quite know what that something is.
We have signed up for swim lessons, which I am pretty excited about. Twice a week, we will get out of the house in the afternoon, and hopefully meet some other parents. I need to work on getting out of my comfort zone if I want any additional conversation. I will get there ... hopefully. I'm also looking into some drop off day care facilities, somewhere that I can put Lucas for a couple of hours on a rare occasion when I just need to collect my sanity. I am having a hard time justifying doing that, but I think my sanity needs it, at least once every so often.
So that's that. It will get better because it HAS to get better. But this adjustment is tougher than I ever thought it would be.