November 26, 2013

The Closing of Chapters

With the impending arrival of this second little bean of ours, there has been a lot on my mind about what comes next for me & my husband. Closing one chapter of our lives and opening a giant new one sits at the forefront, with a lot of other chapters mixed in.This one in particular, our TTC journey, comes with a lot of emotion. I've written and re-written this post probably ten times over the past month or so, never really feeling like I can find the right words to express the emotion that I feel. I most likely won't ever fully be able to convey what's in my heart, but with some encouragement from others, I'm putting this out there anyways, the best that I can.

We decided long ago that this it for us. No more trying for future babies.  In fact, this was sort of a decision that we made prior to even OFFICIALLY trying for baby number two. We had always decided that once Lucas hit one year, we would discuss the possibility of a second. At the time, we were on orders to move to Georgia by the summer, and with M's training schedule prior to our move, we had an extremely limited number of chances IF we chose to go down the IUI route again with our current RE. Two, MAYBE three. So we decided to take the plunge with the mindset that if it worked, it worked, and if didn't, well, that was it for us. We didn't want to continue treatment after we moved, and we had been blessed with such an amazing kid with Lucas. If fate worked out differently in the future, so be it, but after those couple of tries, we wouldn't push it any further. 

Cue IUI 2.0 working the first time. You all know how grateful I am for that, and you can easily skim back through my blog to read about it. But here we are -- 34 weeks pregnant with baby number two and growing closer and closer to the official end of THIS particular chapter.  I'm not going to lie. It's weird. No more stressing over whether or not it will happen on it's own, or if calling the RE is the next logical step. No more mass bulk purchases of pregnancy tests or tears because things aren't going the way I want them to. There is a lot of emotion in these last six weeks, so much that I can't convey it all in one post. But we are still here. 

Finished, after six years. But at peace.

I'm not naive enough to think that something couldn't happen in the next six weeks, or post-delivery, or even five or ten years down the road. I've seen enough from friends, and from the infertility community, to know that it's not always bliss and happiness. Bad things happen to really, really good people. Amazing people. People who deserve nothing but the best but end up in the worst possible situations. I hope to god that we are not those people, but I know it happens. Naive, I am most definitely not.

But with the end of this chapter comes, for me, a big sigh of relief, so to speak. Part of the "weird" in my emotion is that it's not necessarily all bad. It took a lot to get here, and part of me is sort of glad to leave it all behind. There are many in the infertility community who are angry -- rightfully so, and for so many reasons. Even after giving birth, or adopting, or becoming a parent in whatever way it happens, there is a level of anger that doesn't go away. And why should it? Their journeys have been long & painful. That's not something that you forget in an instant, or for some, ever. But their journeys are just that, THEIRS. Mine is mine. Similar or not, we all handle things differently. I have seen women who have had the same treatment as me, or very close to, end with babies in their arms & they are still angry. I've seen others who have gone through SO MUCH MORE walk away with a smile on their face & peace with what life dealt them. We are all different, and react differently. I made the choice a long time ago to not let the resentment rule me, no matter what happened. Don't get me wrong -- there was a time when it absolutely did. That resentment hurt me in a lot of ways. It's the same resentment & anger that made me cry for two days when my best friend of 20 years told me she was pregnant. Or what made me dread any pregnancy announcement from ANYONE, regardless of their journey. It's what sent me into an awful depression after my miscarriage. But eventually, it just wasn't worth it to me.

So the other part of this chapter is sort of saying goodbye to the infertility community. There was a time when it was so, so good to me, but the past couple of years hasn't been all rainbows and flowers. I am forever grateful for the amazing friendship that this journey has brought me, and while I don't understand not being able to move forward (same as I am sure they cannot understand why I don't hold onto the resentment), or why they hold onto that anger, I try to remain as positive and supportive as I can to those who want it. Not everybody does, and that's fine. I've reached out as long as I could, and pulled away when I realized it was needed, when support wasn't wanted. Sadly, this has meant being abandoned by most of the IF community, but there are a small few who welcome me & support me & in return, I will gladly give all the love & support that I can to them as well. These people have become AMAZING friends, whether I have met them in real life or not, and are people that I will cherish forever. I am walking away from all of this with some really great people beside me, and if that's how I leave the infertility community (or how the infertility community leaves me), then I am happy & content with that. Because I mean what I say -- these people, they know who they are, may be a small few, but have large hearts & I will forever be grateful to them for what they have given me.

I am ok with this. It has taken some time to put the hurt behind me -- the unfollows, blocks, deletions, being talked about behind my back by people that I thought were friends, the flat out being ignored when offering support -- it stung. And sometimes still does. But like I said, the GOOD that is following me is worth so much more than all the crap that came my way. I look forward to the post-IF life, and am so full of love for the ones who have stuck by me.

Closing these chapters, whatever the end result may be, is just what we need to do. I can't be angry. I don't want to be angry. Or bitter. Or resentful. Even if Lucas was our ONLY child, I am confident this would still be my course because even after Lucas, even before the talk of number two, I still felt this way. Maybe that's why this decision comes with so much peace & ease for both me & M. I'm grateful for what my journey taught me, the people it introduced me to, the ones who became friends, and I will admit, even for the ugly. In fact, even through the ugly M & I were able to strengthen our marriage. We were able to travel & meet new people. We lived, despite not necessarily wanting to. There was good inside all of the bad.

I want to move forward. I want to be happy. I am happy. I won't ever forget, but I don't want to dwell, either.There are still so many thoughts running through my head, but I think this is the best I can do at getting them all down. I hope this makes sense.

I can't wait for the things to come. I don't know what the future will hold, but I'm excited for this next chapter of our lives regardless.


Jen said...

Such an amazing outcome for your struggles. I hope the next 6 weeks go easy for you!

Heather said...

I'm sorry people have been negative, I think it is possible to keep in touch with the IF community and still be positive. I agree though it is important to be around positive uplifting people, you don't need people dragging you down. Good luck for the rest of the pregnancy.