November 16, 2017

So Here We Are

It's hard to pick up writing again when you haven't done it for so long, but I'm working to get back into the swing of things as I figure out what exactly I want to say, what direction I want to take this blog in, and I guess sort of figure out my life!

But let's get caught up, shall we??

As I previously mentioned, we are back in the states after three WONDERFUL years being stationed in Germany. Our new life landed us here in Colorado, and we could not be happier with where we ended up. Those who know me know that this is the place I always wanted to get back to. My time here during Graduate School was much too short, but when opportunity knocks, you answer, and my opportunity took me out of state.

I have ALWAYS wanted to come back.

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Our end goal was always Colorado. It was where we were going to come after retirement, but the Army got us here sooner, and with only a handful of years left. So this is where we are staying.

I have to say, though, that leaving Germany was not at all what I expected it to be. Colorado is the duty station everybody dreams of, and we were thrilled that this was where we were ending up next. I thought I was going to be happy to leave Germany ... but I wasn't. Being there was bittersweet; we loved everything about the country, and Europe as a whole. The travel was, obviously, amazing. The culture and mindset fit our family. We had wonderful experiences that we will never forget, and I can't wait to dive into that more, and write about the experiences I neglected here in this space.

But, there were so many times where I was lonely and unhappy.  I LOATHED staying home. My husband was gone all the time. It took me a good long while to find my niche and my "tribe" because I had babies, and going out to brunch with the girls wasn't always feasible. But I found them. I learned to be happy there, and we eventually made amazing friends that I cherish and miss terribly.

Suddenly, leaving became extremely difficult.

I cried my way through the airport on our journey home, and for about two months the tears didn't stop. When we moved to Germany, Lucas was just two and a half, and Max was six months old. They were babies, and don't remember life before Germany. They took it just about as hard as I did. They missed their friends, and their school. Poor sweet Lucas spent just about as much time crying as I did, finding the adjustment equally as difficult. What was happening?? The kids, I understood. The only life they remembered had been uprooted -- all of their belongings packed into crates and taken away, not to be seen for two months. An extremely long day of travel. A new house, in a new place, with a new school and a not very friendly new environment (bonus to stairwell living, guys. You will know your neighbors on day one, and will find friends shortly after.)

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But me? Why was this so difficult? I was sad. I would call my neighbor from Germany, who had also moved unexpectedly a week before we did and we would just sob with each other. This was exactly where I wanted to be and yet, it wasn't.

I won't lie -- five months into this move, it's still difficult, although getting better. Lucas is finally settled at school and the "I hate it here's" have lessened, however i *truly* thought I would be working by now, and I am not. So here I am, stuck at home most days which isn't ideal, struggling to meet people because that's just how I am. Making friends fast has never been a skill of mine. And SHOCKER, my husband still isn't around. But we are working through it, making the best of it, and I'm messing up left and right as we figure out our new life.

We WILL get there. I didn't expect it to take this long, but every day is better. I still miss Germany. LIKE CRAZY, y'all. I still miss my amazing, wonderful family we adopted during our time there. Nothing can replace that experience, and my mentality is shifting from replacing to creating a new experience. We truly do love it here, and we have an opportunity to raise our boys in a really wonderful community, giving them the outdoor experience that we both love. There is no shortage of things to do here, and we know this is home. I'm learning to be kind to my feelings, but also am working on telling myself to get out of this funk & enjoy everything we have here.

The rest will come in time.

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